Royal Birthday

Queen Elizabeth is 81 years old this week.

She is England’s oldest queen. Second place: Elton John

- David Letterman

Roving Ambassador Bill

Hillary Clinton said, if elected president, she would make Bill Clinton a roving ambassador to the world as she can’t think of a better cheerleader for America.

This may cause some confusion as Bill is better known for his roving eye for American cheerleaders.

Shear Genius?

Bravo Channel has a new reality show called Shear Genius, where hairstylists compete to see who is the best.

Apparently, this is for people who didn’t think Queer Eye was gay enough. 

- Jay Leno

FEMA not ready to be unprepared

FEMA has told Congress that the new emergency plan for responding to hurricanes will not be ready anytime soon.

You know what they are blaming for the delay: the weather.

- Jay Leno

Sexy secrets

Eva Longoria says her sexy secret is a Brazilian bikini wax.

Britney Spears had a secret like that but somehow it got out.

 - Jay Leno

Sanjaya reverberations

The elimination of Sanjaya on “American Idol” has “sent a chill through the no-talent community,” said actress Tori Spelling.

- Andy Borowitz

Limbo no more

Vatican has abolished limbo reversing centuries of Roman Catholic traditional belief.

The Vatican parties will just not be the same without the Cardinals dancing under the holy pole.

Tour de dope

Tour de France officials are getting concerned about doping again and want to ban all riders implicated in last year’s scandal.

Officials got a bit suspicious when during training this year three teams tested positive for Barry Bonds.

CrackBerry

Millions of BlackBerry users lost service Tuesday night for more than 10 hours.

Addicted BlackBerry users were seen talking into their garage door openers, stereo remotes. It was sad.

- Alex Kaseberg

Pacman says sorry

Tennessee Titans cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones, after being suspended because of ten police incidents in two years, bought a full-page newspaper ad promising to change

Fans are a little suspicious after it was disclosed that he bought advance full-page ads every year for the next five years